Patty Winters.
The Patty Winters Show this morning was about Real‑Life Rambos.
The Patty Winters Show this morning was about Perfumes and Lipsticks and Makeups.
I’ve missed The Patty Winters Show which actually was a repeat of an interview with the President, so it doesn’t really matter, I guess.
While I stretch, The Patty Winters Show I watched this morning comes back to me. The topic was Big Breasts and there was a woman on it who had a breast reduction since she thought her tits were too big – the dumb bitch. I immediately called McDermott who was also watching it and we both ridiculed the woman through the rest of the segment.
“Did you see The Patty Winters Show this morning?” I ask. ..On Autism?”
While I’m dressing the TV is kept on to The Patty Winters Show. Today’s guests are women with multiple personalities. A nondescript overweight older woman is on the screen and Patty’s voice is heard asking, “Well, is it schizophrenia or what’s the deal? Tell us.”
“No, oh no. Multiple personalities are not schizophrenics,” the woman says, shaking her head. “We are not dangerous.”
“Well,” Patty starts, standing in the middle of the audience, microphone in hand. “Who were you last month?”
“Last month it seemed to be mostly Polly,” the woman says.
A cut to the audience – a housewife’s worried face; before she notices herself on the monitor, it cuts back to the multiple-personality woman.
“Well,” Patty continues, “now who are you?”
“Well…,” the woman begins tiredly, as if she was sick of being asked this question, as if she had answered it over and over again and still no one believed it. “Well, this month I’m… Lambchop. Mostly… Lambchop.”
A long pause. The camera cuts to a close‑up of a stunned housewife shaking her head, another housewife whispering something to her.
On The Patty Winters Show this morning were descendants of members of the Donner Party.
The Patty Winters Show this morning was about UFOs That Kill.
The Patty Winters Show this morning was about the possibility of nuclear war, and according to the panel of experts the odds are pretty good it will happen sometime within the next month.
On The Patty Winters Show this morning the topic was Toddler‑Murderers. In the studio audience were parents of children who’d been kidnapped, tortured and murdered, while on stage a panel of psychiatrists and pediatricians were trying to help them cope – somewhat futilely I might add, and much to my delight – with their confusion and anger. But what really cracked me up was – via satellite on a lone TV monitor – three convicted Toddler‑Murderers on death row who due to fairly complicated legal loopholes were now seeking parole and would probably get it.
The Patty Winters Show this morning was about Shark Attack Victims.
The Patty Winters Show this morning was Aspirin: Can It Save Your Life?
The Patty Winters Show this morning was about Nazis and, inexplicably, I got a real charge out of watching it. Though I wasn’t exactly charmed by their deeds, I didn’t find them unsympathetic either, nor I might add did most of the members of the audience. One of the Nazis, in a rare display of humor, even juggled grapefruits and, delighted, I sat up in bed and clapped.
The Patty Winters Show I taped this morning hasn’t been watched yet. It’s sixty minutes about women who’ve had mastectomies, which at seven‑thirty, over breakfast, before the office, I couldn’t bear to sit through, but after today – hanging out at the office, where the air‑conditioning broke down, a tedious lunch with Cunningham at Odeon, my fucking Chinese cleaners unable to get bloodstains out of another Soprani jacket, four videotapes overdue that ended up costing me a fortune, a twenty‑minute wait at the Stairmasters – I’ve adapted; these events have toughened me and I’m prepared to deal with this particular topic.
The Patty Winters Show this morning was about a new sport called Dwarf Tossing.
The Patty Winters Show this morning was about women who married homosexuals and I almost called Courtney up to warn her – as a joke – but then decided against it
The Patty Winters Show this morning was about Teenage Girls Who Trade Sex for Crack
The Patty Winters Show this morning was about Aerobic Exercise.
Evelyn catches me on call waiting while I’m listening to messages on 976‑TWAT and watching a tape on the VCR of this morning’s Patty Winters Show which is about Deformed People.
The Patty Winters Show this morning was about Concentration Camp Survivors.
“So did you watch The Patty Winters Show this morning?”
“No, I was out jogging,” she says, leaning in. “It was about Michael J. Fox, right?”
“No,” I correct her. “It was about Patrick Swayze.”
“Oh really?” she asks, then, “It’s hard to keep.track. You’re sure?”
“Yes. Patrick Swayze. I’m positive.”
“How was it?”
“Well, it was very interesting,” I tell her, breathing in air. “It was almost like a debate, about whether he’s gotten cynical or not.”
“Do you think he has?” she asks, still smiling.
“Well, no, I’m not sure,” I start nervously. “It”s an interesting question. It wasn’t explored fully enough. I mean after Dirty Dancing I wouldn’t think so, but with Tiger Warsaw I don’t know. I might be crazy, but I thought I detected some bitterness. I’m not sure.”
Talking animals were the topic of this morning’s Patty Winters Show. An octopus was floating in a makeshift aquarium with a microphone attached to one of its tentacles and it kept asking – or so its “trainer,” who is positive that mollusks have vocal cords, assured us – for “cheese.” I watched, vaguely transfixed, until I started to sob.
At my apartment I lie in bed, too distracted to have sex with her, so she leaves, and after watching a tape of this morning’s Patty Winters Show, which is about the best restaurants in the Middle East, I pick up my cordless phone and tentatively, reluctantly, call Evelyn.
The Patty Winters Shows were all repeats.
and best of all, The Patty Winters Show this morning was in two parts. The first was an exclusive interview with Donald Trump, the second was a report on women who’ve been tortured.
This morning’s topic on The Patty Winters Show was People Who Weigh Over Seven Hundred Pounds – What Can We Do About Them?
Afterwards I watched a repeat of an old Patty Winters Show that I found on what I originally thought was a videotape of the torture and subsequent murder of two escort girls from last spring (the topic was Tips on How Your Pet Can Become a Movie Star).
The Patty Winters Show this morning was about a boy who fell in love with a box of soap.
The Patty Winters Show today was – ironically, I thought – about Princess Di’s beauty tips.
“Spuds McKenzie is on The Patty Winters Show tomorrow.
The Patty Winters Show this morning was about a machine that lets people talk to the dead.
The Patty Winters Show this morning was about Home Abortion Kits.
The huge new television set is on in one of the rooms, first blaring out The Patty Winters Show, whose topic today is Human Dairies, then a game show, Wheel of Fortune, and the applause coming from the studio audience sounds like static each time a new letter is turned.
on The Patty Winters Show this morning there was an interview with a man who set his daughter on fire while she was giving birth
On The Patty Winters Show this morning the topic was Beautiful Teenage Lesbians, which I found so erotic I had to stay home, miss a meeting, jerk off twice.
Men Who’ve Been Raped by Women was the topic on The Patty Winters Show this morning.
I watch a tape of this morning’s Patty Winters Show, which is split into two parts. The first section is a feature on the lead singer of the rock band Guns n’ Roses, Axl Rose, whom Patty quoted as telling an interviewer, “When I get stressed I get violent and take it out on myself. I’ve pulled razor blades on myself but then realized that having a scar is more detrimental than not having a stereo… I’d rather kick my stereo in than go punch somebody in the face. When I get mad or upset or emotional, sometimes I’ll walk over and play my piano.” Part two consists of Patty reading letters that Ted Bundy, the mass murderer, had written to his fiancée during one of his many trials. “ ’Dear Carole,’ ” she reads, while an unfairly bloated head shot of Bundy, just weeks away from execution, Hashes across the screen, “ ’please do not sit in the same row in court with Janet. When I look over toward you there she sits contemplating me with her mad eyes like a deranged seagull studying a clam… I can feel her spreading hot sauce on me already…’ ”
Bigfoot was interviewed on The Patty Winters Show this morning and to my shock I found him surprisingly articulate and charming.
Patty Winters is on the TV screen asking a child, eight or nine, “But isn’t that just another term for an orgy?”
On The Patty Winters Show this morning a Cheerio sat in a very small chair and was interviewed for close to an hour.
The Patty Winters Show this morning was about girls in the fourth grade who trade sex for crack and I almost canceled with Lambert and Russell to catch it.
On the TV screen in Harry’s is The Patty Winters Show, which is now on in the afternoon and is up against Geraldo Rivera, Phil Donahue and Oprah Winfrey. Today’s topic is Does Economic Success Equal Happiness? The answer, in Harry’s this afternoon, is a roar of resounding “Definitely,” followed by much hooting, the guys all cheering together in a friendly way.
